(Taxpayers pay for lame dog)
Mr Jean Paul Aristide, erstwhile leader of the beautiful Caribbean Island of Haiti, has his sights set on retiring in South Africa. His welcome is being planned and I have no doubt he will retire there. Perhaps the Mbeki government will settle him near the sea. Umhlanga Rocks would be nice, so would Amanzimtoti. On the other hand he might like East London or Port Elizabeth.
“ We could give him a little parkhome,” the East London Mayor said.
“ We only have a caravan left,” said the Mayor of Port Elizabeth.
Oh, well, it’s off to Cape Town then. The President loves a view of the bay. The ships on the bay would remind him of smugglers. Cape Town is one of the top ten tourist destinations in the world--would suit him nicely.
“ Sorry,” said Letitia Levin, head of Table Tourism, “ We have no views of the bay left. In fact, all we have is a one bedroom hut on Bloubergstrand but it is very close to the waves.
Now, that might have suited our Haitian friend, but his press officer ( a man from the Cape Flats), says JP doesn’t like confined spaces. Oh well.
Then we hit upon it. A man from Bethlehem (how absolutely suitable for a messiah pariah!), in the Free State had advertised for : A retired gentleman who has extensive experience in firearms, security and large dogs. We need a security officer for a 15 room Bed and Breakfast. Must be reliable,of sober habits and able to crack the whip when required. Full board and above average salary offered.
It sounded perfect. We e-mailed JP at ileft@Haiti.screwthemall and got a reply within hours. It was from Consuela, JP’s erstwhile secretary. Her e-mail address was interesting: consuela@semi-virgin.lycos.com
Her mail read (expletives deleted): What the **** are you trying to do, you ****? Our revered President is no *******. You can stick your offer up your ****!
So, no luck there. Actually I think the SA government will probably offer Mr Aristide a nice house in Pretoria—perhaps in Waterkloof. It’s a lovely area and it has some elegant houses. He’ll have to learn Afrikaans though. And, he’ll have to get used to driving a C class Merc. I mean, the taxpayer can only take so much. He’ll enjoy shopping there—lots of shops sell those little dolls you can stick pins into---and he can enjoy food similar to that of Haiti’s at ‘Joe’s Caribbean Delights’ in Mamelodi. For an extra boost he can taste the spiced goat at “Duvalier’s (no relation), an upmarket grill in Jules Street. There is a world of opportunity here for JP. He can take in Sakkie Bothma Live at the Pretoria Civic Centre, or Seun Erasmus at the NG hall (a fundraiser for retired dogs). Or he can visit the Groote Kerk for some of Dominee Willemse’s Voortrekker wisdom. He could have a good time.
Like PW pointing a finger I must end with a private message to Mr Mbeki: I think, Mr President, that you should look at this man’s CV before you take him under your wing. He has let Haiti down. I mean, his JUJU and his LULU are not up to scratch. Scrap that: He may put a JUJU on you. These guys are freaky, Thabo.
Serious Comment: Hope the powers that be realize that Mr Aristide will not be “a symbol of hope” or a “man pre-ordained to lead” or “ a man betrayed by his good nation”. Leave him out of your speeches guys, and out of the taxpayer’s pockets.
Go JP. Don’t know where, but go.
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